a la deriva
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Hello Evan,
- In the first paragraph, "sin un nombre" is not necessary.
- "El hombre pisó una serpiente y él era picar por la víbora en la media de la selva." could be changed to "...él picaba la víbora..."
- "dólar" --> "dolor"
- "deriva en la canoa" should have an "a" before the "deriva"
- "cuando el hombre piense" should stay in the past, "pensaba"
- "muere en una ladera bonita" --> "murió"
- "leí en la clase de ingles ese " --> "leía...este"
- "sufre mucho dólar porque de un error" --> "sufría mucho dolor debido a un error"
- I think "encubre" should be spelled "encubra" --> to conceal.
- stay in one tense: "confesa" = "confesaba"
- "sobre del dólar" --> "sobre el dolor"
- "dólar" = "dolor"
- Try to have variety in sentence structure. the word "dolor" appears quite often.
-
Hey Evan,
>En A La Deriva--at this point just be sure to clarify with quotations that this is the title of the story
>hay un hombre sin un nombre necesita ayudar- I think it would be better to write "que necesita" and also ayudar should be ayuda because he needs help not to help
>él era picar por la víbora en la media de la
selva--careful here you are saying he was to bite intstead of he was bitten..instead or picar use picado
>recuerdo sus amigos-recuerdo should be recuerde to agree with the subject
>El cuento me recuerda de un libro que leí en la clase de ingles ese año--the wording is awkward here..I would recommend adding more to that sentence to make it complete and have a complete idea
>no encuentre ayudar-once again just make sure you use ayuda in this case instead of ayudar because it is the noun form
--good job Evan
hi even, good essay!
I noticed right in the beginning you wrote "En A La Deriva" you could say en el cuento, or maybe put a la deriva in quotes so we know it's a story. Also watch out for correct conjugation and verb tense. You said Hay a few times, but then later you used past tense on other verbs. you want to make sure it all agrees and stays in the same tense too.
* dólar should be dolor
In the second paragraph I saw "hay un otra hombre" ... hombre is masculine so you can use otro and also, I think you want to conjugate hay into the past tense again because in the paragraph you used other tenses besides present again.
muy bien! - Lauren
Hi Evan
-well, "sin un nombre", you can put it in if you want. You can probably just san "sin nombre"
-"hay un hombre sin un nombre necesita ayudar" this sentence is a bit odd. I think you want to express the idea that "there's a nameless man in need of help." I'd probably go with "hay un hombre sin nombre, que necesita ayuda" if that is the case, then the phrase following that should be "pero no la puede encontrar."
-"él era picar por la víbora": I think you're trying to say he was bitten by a snake. You could try 1) "él ha picado por..." or 2) avoid that complicated tense and use "la víbora le picó" (the snake bit him)
-"Sentía dólar mas": spelling/typos, "...dolor más"
-"Después de muchas horas deriva en la canoa, sufrido mucho dólar, y no reciba": some grammar errors, "...horas a la deriva (deriva just means the drift) en la canoa, sufrió mucho dolor, y no recibía..."
-"el dólar para finalmente": keep the tense consistent, "...dolor paró finalmente"
-Please be more consistent with the verb tenses. They kind of jump around between past and present for no real reason. Also, some of them are incorrect.
-"ingles": accent over the e, "inglés"
-"ese año": I think you mean this year, "este" you make this mistake in other parts of the essay.
-"un otra hombre": use either un, or otro, but not both, otro already means other/another, I'd use "otro hombre"
-"encuentre": if this is in the present, then it's "encuentra", it's -ar
-"es necesario a recordar ": probably a good place to use subjunctive, it's an impersonal phrase. "es necesario que recuerde", but that might make it unclear who needs to remember.
Watch out for spelling mistakes.
Jason
Hey Evan
-you don't need to write 'sin un nombre'...just say it's about a man...also, use the noun 'ayuda' instead of the verb
-instead of "era picar" you need to use estar and the past participle so it would be "estaba picado"
-the tense changes in the middle of the paragrapht, you need to keep it all in the present or all in the past.
-"no reciba algo ayudar" is subjunctive and you don't need it here...it would be recibe and also ayuda (noun, not verb again)
-you would say 'el cuento me recuerda a...' not de...also, i think you meant to say "this year" so it would be "éste año."
-underline the title of the book...also you don't need to use 'un'...'hay otra hombre' works fine
-good connection to the book...the word 'dólar' should be 'dolor' throughout
Hi Evan
I liked your essay especially the part comparing it to The Scarlet Letter. I just have a few mistakes:
- in the fist paragraph where it says "...sin un nombre que necesita..." you should put a "que" before necesita
-also in the first paragraph where it says "era picar" it should be era picado instead
-also in the first paragraph it should be ayuda not ayudar when you say "no reciba algo ayudar"
-in the second paragraph when you say "porque de un error" you don't need the porque
-in the last paragraph when you say "sobre del dolar" it should be sobre el dolor
- everywhere it says dolar it should be dolor
great job!
-"En A La Deriva, una historia por Horacio Quiroga, hay un hombre sin un nombre necesita ayudar, pero no lo puede encontrar" This sentence should be rearranged a little just to make it easier to understnad. To start off you could say "A La Deriva es una historia de...." and also you could take out the part of the sentence sin un hombre and just say un hombre que necesita ayuda.
-"y no reciba algo ayudar" you should put para ayudar.
-dolar with the accent should just be dolor.
-"además escribieron sobre del dólar" you don't need to say del, it can just be el because you already said sobre.
-Also, una serpiente can just be un serpiente.
Good Job!
